07/14/08

This page provides selections from the SCANFG quarterly newsletter, The Recovery Reporter.

Click on the name of an article:

Solutions

 People like myself whose problems have brought them to the point of despair have come to Nar-Anon to seek advice and find solutions. As soon as they attend their first meeting they feel like they have come home and feel like they are among people who really understand. And fortunate is the newcomer who finds a group that permits such expression. It gives those who have gone before them a way to give encouragement and hope. The newcomer discovers that it is by giving and receiving in our sharing that we are able to heal ourselves, and slowly we are able to regain control of our live again.

But still more fortunate is the newcomer who finds a group that does not allow such unburdening to continue meeting after meeting. There is work to be done; Nar-Anon is not a sounding board for continually reviewing our miseries, but a way to learn how to detach ourselves from them.

A Recovery reminder

I will learn by listening, by reading all the Nar-Anon literature as well as all good books on the subject of addiction, by working and trying to live the 12 steps. The more I read and study the more knowledge I receive. Knowledge is power, and I will be able to help myself as well as others.

Let Go and Let God

Since beginning Nar-Anon, I can see that to give opinions, advice, and money to the addict is a message to him that I do not trust his ability to mature on his own. Just as I want to be in control of my life's decisions, he has the right to be in charge of his. Nar-Anon helped me see the boundaries I needed to set for myself.

As I watch different people in my life, I see everyone learns life's lessons differently.

Nar-Anon has taught me how to watch and listen to my addict. I have more patience to let my addict struggle through his life knowing his Higher Power is with him. I have learned that serenity comes to me when I do not judge him or give him feedback on what he needs to do. Every day he makes his way through life as his Higher Power wants. I now focus on the life my Higher Power intends for me and I am thankful for my inner peace each day as I let go and let God, one day at a time.

A Recovery Reminder

Calm your spirit, calm your mind. Know your higher power will lead the way.

Detachment

I am learning the meaning or concept of detachment and  it is becoming a big help to me. I no longer stay up nights worrying about my daughter sleeping in alleys. I no longer obsess at wanting to know where she is at any given time. I no longer worry about that call at 3 in the morning asking me to bail her out of jail. This is, by the way, something that I will not do. While my heart goes out to her when she calls and says she is hungry, I no longer drop everything that I am doing and rush out to buy her a happy meal. All of this is painful to me but I am learning how to deal with it so I can get on with my life.

While my heart still aches I no longer am in pain 24/7. My stomach is no longer in knots 24/7. While I think of her often, I now try to concentrate more on myself and my wife.  I am also trying to concentrate on my career more now. As the therapist for my daughter explained to her that lifetime ago, in effect I am learning how to deal with the pain so I can experience peace and serenity in my life.

I have learned that I have faults that must be corrected. By looking at myself I have learned that I am a very impatient person. That impatience has caused agony, not only for me but also for others around me. I always knew I was impatient but I never realized the pain it caused others. By understanding this fault and actively working to correct it, I feel better, not only about myself, but just in general.

A recovery reminder

I am learning  that the darkness is not worth it. I would rather have the sunshine than have the darkness of a foul mood.

Helping

I must constantly remind myself that the addict didn’t need my help when he decided to use drugs, and he doesn’t need my help to stop. So, I must detach if we are both to survive the insanity of addiction.  Nar-Anon shows us that the efficacy of faith can be demonstrated only when we let the overwhelming problems go, and let God take over.

I am ready to lay my burden at his feet, as I am just too tired to continue down the same old path that hasn't worked. I know that I must stay strong for the addict's sake, and let him suffer the consequences of his actions and seek his own recovery. I know if I don't break his pattern of coming to me for help all the time he will never recover. Every day I realize more and more that it is okay to stand back and do nothing. Inaction is okay!

I know that when I consciously surrender my will to my Higher Power's will, I see faith at work in my life. And I will take comfort in unwavering faith, for without it I am helpless and alone.

A Recovery Reminder

For all you other newcomers like me, I know there is hope. We are all still a work in progress and God isn't finished with us or our addicts. We haven't arrived yet, but one day we all will if we just keep working the 12 steps and keeping coming back, because it works.

THOUGHTS FROM THE 4^TH STEP WORKSHOP

-This weekend was a time of self-discovery.  I learned a lot about me.  I learned to open up more.  I enjoyed the fellowship among everyone here.  It felt good to not be alone.  It felt good not to be judged.  I’m nervous about going home, but I’m going to try and take what I have discovered with me.  I feel even closer to God and I know he’ll take care of me if I take care of myself.

-Again my journey into recovery has grown due to the 4^th step weekend.  Self-discovery is wonderful, as well as painful.  The insight we’ve gained will help us in all aspects of our lives.  We have so much fun and fellowship and hugs it makes the discovery process less painful and more of an exciting journey.  I would encourage all to try it..  It’s a once a year gift to myself.  It’s a way to really take care of me.

-I am very glad that I came to the 4^th step weekend workshop.  I have never been to a retreat of any kind before and I am grateful for the experience.  In doing the writing and answering the questions I discovered a lot of positives that I attributed to the working of this program in my life over the past few years.  Thank you Nar-Anon.

-TWELVE TOOLS OF THE NAR-ANON PROGRAM-

MEETINGS

TELEPHONE CALLS

SERVICE

ANONYMITY

WRITING

SPONSORSHIP

THE TWELVE STEPS

LITERATURE

SLOGANS

SPIRITUALITY

THE  TWELVE TRADITIONS

THE TWELVE CONCEPTS

-How Does the Nar-Anon Program Work-

-If you are not sure of what to do, don’t do anything yet.  If you are struggling with a decision, chances are pretty good that you are not ready to make it.  When the time is right, you will make the decision calmly.  Until you are clear about something, you can exercise the power of choice and make a decision to take a particular course of action or inaction “Just for Today.”  During this time, you can pray for clarity and continue to use all of your program tools to become a healthier decision maker in general.

-Practice Listening.  True listening requires focus and concentration.  It was by listening and focusing on the topics in meetings that many members gained increased mental discipline.

-Place Principles Above Personalities.  In other words, don’t negate the message because you don’t like the messenger.  Remaining open to others is a way of remaining open to messages and answers from your Higher Power.

-Utilize the Power of Choice.  We each have the power of choice.  When many of us come into Nar-Anon we think we are doing certain things because we “have to.”  A sponsor can help you imagine a variety of possibilities for dealing with a situation so that you can make a conscious choice. 

-Write – Many members have stated that they gained a much greater level of understanding when they began keeping a journal of their thoughts on recovery.  Writing can allow us to release painful feelings and thoughts in a safe and healthy way.  It also allows us the opportunity to sort out our thoughts and gain understanding before trying to communicate with another person. 

-Don’t be afraid of your feelings – fear, anger, anxiety, they all have to come to the surface as we grow.  They are a part of the process of recovery.  Use these feelings to find yourself and find your path.  We don’t need to prove to the addict how much we hurt.  We need to become aware of how much pain we are in.  It takes many of us much pain to become ready for recovery. 

-Few decisions we make are written in stone.  If we make a decision today, it is usually “Just for Today.” There are very few decisions that are as permanent as we believe them to be.  We have the prerogative to change our minds. If a decision someone has made is no longer right for him or her, they can make a new decision to change it.

-Work the steps – the magic, mystery and the power in the Steps can only be understood when we personally apply them to our lives.  That’s when they reveal themselves.  That’s when they become more than a list of twelve suggestions.

Attend Meetings  -  Read The Literature  - KEEP COMING BACK -

ACCEPTANCE

After I’d been attending Nar-Anon meetings for about seven Months, my daughter and I made plans to spend a weekend Together.  She was staying in a sober living home then.  I reserved a motel room nearby and drove in a torrential rain- storm to meet her there.  She arrived late, announcing immediately  that she’d been up drinking the night before and needed to sleep.  Before my Nar-Anon involvement, I probably would have denounced her angrily for being inconsiderate, spoiling our plans, etc., and I would no doubt have received a strong, unpleasant response from her.  But, these words from “An Open Letter to My Family” came to mind, and I repeated them silently to myself that day:  “Don’t lecture, moralize, scold, blame or argue whether I’m loaded or sober. It may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.

My daughter slept in the motel room for the rest of the day and night, waking briefly from time to time and sharing a few words with me.  (She was, of course, no longer welcome at the sober living home!)  I sat next to her on the bed reading that afternoon and later when the rain diminished, I took a long walk and went out to dinner by myself.  The next day, the two of us went to breakfast, to church and for a drive.

The Nar-Anon program saved that weekend for us by helping me to simply accept the situation as it was since there was nothing I could do to change it.                                    –Harriet W.-

Enabling and Guilt

  We look to find a balance between taking care of ourselves and helping others:  we can be available to those we want to help without taking on all their burdens.  We share our experience, strength and hope, offer love and acceptance and then let go.  We can give ourselves credit for the compassion and care we feel for others---

   We may realize that in our desire to help an addict, our “helping” actually hindered him or her from experiencing the consequences of drugs, and perhaps from desiring to change self-destructive behavior.  For those of us with a tendency to advise, direct and control, we must learn to help without enabling.

Some of my thoughts:

-Don’t do for the addict what the addict can do for herself.

-What do I get out of enabling my addict?

-What’s my payoff for enabling?

-How’s enabling working for me?

-Do I have the ‘fixer’ mind-set?

-How about nurturing ‘adult children’?

-Am I the problem solver?

-Do I know what needs to be done?

-Am I sending a clear message that my addict is incompetent?

-Does enabling build confidence in my addict?

-Do I nurture the idea that ‘all you have to do is ask’ and you get?

-Do I participate in enabling because of my guilt if I didn’t?

-Is it easier to give in and not watch the addict suffer?

-If the addict were not an addict, would I be an enabler?

What do I do to enable my addict?

-I participate in financing her existence.

-I fear for her inability to manage herself.

What I try to do!

-I try not to tell her how to do it.

-I do a lot of tongue biting.

-I try not to participate in the drama.

-I tell her I love her.

  Step one gives us permission to stop controlling and enabling the addict and to learn to take care of ourselves.

When we try to control the addict, we make ourselves

 crazy and further alienate the addict.     --Arlin--

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What Nar-Anon Means to Me

   This is the second time around with my daughter in regards to drugs. One week after her 18^th birthday she came to us and said “mom, dad, I’m on drugs and need help.”  For three long years we fought with her, but eventually we returned to what seemed a normal life.  She is now 26.   About two years ago she was in a very bad accident-physically she was ok, but about one month later she developed a debilitating case of panic attacks.  She lost her job, would not go out of the house, eventually one of us had to stay at home or the panic attacks would just get worse.  I did not really understand the panic attacks and thought they would JUST go away.  Eventually I realized that she needed professional help.  We paid for therapy, took her to meetings, etc.  One of the goals of the therapy was to make her realize that the panic attacks might not ever go away, but through time, she could learn to deal with them and lead a normal life.   She thought she was a freak.  She thought she was a failure.  She thought she would never be normal again.  She thought this was the end of her life.  She withdrew herself and basically stopped being her once beautiful and happy self.  Her life became unmanageable.  Kind of like what I was/am going through now.  This is, I believe, what brought her back to drugs, although in retrospect it doesn’t really matter what made her go back to drugs.

  When I agreed to “chair” this meeting, I asked myself just what are these meetings supposed to be doing for me?  I don’t believe that the pain of seeing my beautiful daughter on drugs will ever go away, but through these meetings I believe that I can “learn to deal with the pain and lead a normal life.”  I now believe that I can resume a normal life.  I can see some sunshine.  My days are no longer entirely dark and gloomy.  I still have dark and gloomy days, hours and moments, but there now is more sunshine than darkness.

  I have learned that I am not alone; indeed through hearing others here I have learned that my situation does not seem as bad as others:

-          I cannot imagine having four children on drugs.

-          I cannot imagine having a father and a sister who are addicts.

-          I cannot imagine not having a spouse who does not support me.

-          I cannot imagine having a daughter in and out of jail because of drugs all her adult life.

-          I cannot imagine having everyone around me addicted to drugs.

-          I cannot imagine losing everything I worked so hard for over what is another’s problem, even though that other person is my own daughter!

-          I cannot imagine … well you get the picture.  My situation could be much worse than it is.

  I am learning the meaning or concept of detachment-while not a “pro” at it yet; it is becoming a big help to me.  I no longer stay up nights worrying about her sleeping in alleys.  I no longer obsess at wanting to know where she is at any given time.  I no longer worry about that call at 3:00 in the morning asking me to bail her out of jail.  Which is, by the way, something that I will not do.  While my heart goes out to her when she calls and says she is hungry, I no longer drop everything that I am doing and rush out to buy her a “happy” meal – all of this is painful to me, but I am learning how to deal with it so I can get on with my life.  While my heart still aches, I no longer am in pain 24/7.  My stomach is no longer in knots 24/7.  While I may think of her 24/7, I try to concentrate on myself and my wife more now.  I am trying to concentrate on my career more now.  As the therapist for my daughter explained to her that lifetime ago, in effect I am learning how to deal with the pain so I can lead a somewhat normal life – whatever normal is.

  I have learned that I have faults that must be corrected.  By looking at myself, I have learned that I am a very impatient person.  That impatience has caused not only me agony but others around me.  I always knew I was impatient, but I never realized the pain it caused others.  By understanding this fault and actively working to correct it, I feel better; not only about myself, but just in general.  In situations where I would have once got upset, I make myself realize that by getting upset the darkness that would once have taken over me is not worth it.  I would rather have the sunshine than the darkness of a foul mood.   While I have only been coming to these meetings for a short time, I remember being so angry that I literally felt like getting up and violently grabbing this table and upturning it all the while screaming and yelling and just being violently out of control.  What a terrible, terrible darkness I had descended into.  And for what?  For another person’s actions and sickness.  That darkness was destroying me.

  What I have learned by attending these meetings is that, while difficult to accept, I have no control over my daughter’s life.  I can talk to her and threaten her until I am blue in the face and it will have absolutely no effect on her.  But, it did have an effect on me.  My trying to control her had a dark, dark effect.  I have learned that unless or until I stop trying to control her, my life will forever be in darkness, and quite frankly destroy my family and me.   I have learned that I do not want to live in that darkness.  I want sunshine.  I want the darkness to forever go away.  I realize this will not happen.  But, through these meetings and with God’s help, I can learn how to bring back that sunshine into my life by concentrating on improving myself. 

  I wondered about the meaning of the “Serenity Prayer”  and after I put all of this down on paper I looked up the meaning of the word serenity.  It comes from the word serene which means:  bright, clear and calm, shining with clear, steady light; placid, unruffled, tranquil.   Through these meetings and with God’s help, I hope and pray that not only I, but also every one of us here in these rooms and whoever may wander in and out of these meetings may someday experience the true meaning of serenity.              (Long Beach)

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12-Step Workshop Thoughts 

---LIFE CHANGING ---  This weekend has been life changing for me.  Before I came, people had told me it would be, but I really never believed that I would have that experience as well.  I thought I knew myself pretty well at this point in my life.  What a total surprise to find out that there are still exciting and hidden areas to discover about myself!  Once I came to the realization that there are parts of me that I was totally unaware of, some of which are things that I’d like to work on, then I can begin to change myself, and make my life better and richer and more peaceful.    The whole weekend experience lended itself to new discoveries – the beautiful flowers, trees and birds of the grounds, the fellowship of others like me; the thought-provoking questions we worked on in our journals; the emphasis not on our character defects, but on our growth and accomplishments; the closeness I’m feeling to God, the laughter and tears; the serenity we all came to feel.  I could have stayed a week!    Thank you all who helped make this weekend possible.         Barbara D.

---INSIGHTFUL---   --  The assignments were very helpful and clear.  The facility is so beautiful and peaceful.  The food and fellowship are great.  I received some very insightful help to deal with my current issues as well as tools to help work through them.  Thank you so much for organizing and hosting this workshop, it is a great service to our fellow members to REALLY work the program. 

---INVALUABLE   ---      Steps 10, 11 & 12 ---    How the weekend helped me!  It helped me to work on some issues that were bothering me.  It assisted me in continuing to improve my relationship with my Higher Power.  The time was invaluable to sit and reflect and relax, something I don’t allow myself to do at home (too many distractions).  It allowed me to get to know other members of Nar-Anon and to be grateful for everything in my life.   Thank you for inviting me.    Kathy S. – San Diego

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I’ve Got a Confession

   The whole idea that “expectations are disappointments waiting to happen” has never meant much to me.  After all, I have expectations of myself.  Professionally, there are a lot of people who count on my ability to fulfill---and even exceed---expectations.  And if we did not have expectations of people we come into contact with day by day, and they of us, there would be no basis for civil society.  Going on the green because we expect other drivers to stop on the red, or deciding that a political candidate does or doesn’t come up to snuff, it’s all about expectations.  Not having them isn’t a notion that works very well in the world.  Besides, expectation and disappointment aren’t synonymous.  They are two very different words, for two very different ideas.  Now, I get it that when even our most basic expectations are disappointed again and again and again by the addict in our life, we have to do something.  We have to do something about ourselves; we have to do something about our expectations of our addict.  The question is:  what?  One thing I have done is to actually mourn the expectations I had of my addict.  Mourning allows for affectionate remembrance.  Celebration of what was.  Most of all, mourning is a way to peacefully come to terms with a significant ending in our lives.  The whole point is to let us move on, progressing from yesterday to today.  In my own case, I didn’t have sharply defined expectations of my addict.  Rather than crystal clear snapshots of this college or that profession, I had in mind a kind of out-of-focus movie where the expectations were that he would go to college somewhere, find a fulfilling career, and have a happy movie.  Believe me, I knew walking out of the theater was going to be hard---and besides, who would I see about getting my money back? 

  So, a few months ago, I held a little funeral.  I wrote down my early expectations for my addict.  Next, I remembered them affectionately, because they came from a father who desired positive things on behalf of his son.  I celebrated what was, looking back on the time when he and I were close.  Then, I said good-bye to my expectations---and yes, I grieved for that significant ending in my life.   After a few days of sadness, I moved on.

   Mourning my expectations has given me one of the things, which Nar-Anon so unexpectedly offers, namely, freedom.  I am free from rancor, regret or resentment.  I can see my addict for who he is, today.  I can applaud his victories and successes on their own terms, rather than do the math on the difference between my own expectations and his own life.  And as an added bonus, I can truly enjoy being with him.  Mourning has helped me create a new situation, absent  of expectations.  Along the way, I have managed to let disappointments pass, too. ------David

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--LOOK FOR THE GOOD--

 A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck.  One pot had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.  At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.  For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.  Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made.  But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.  After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream… “I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”  The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?  That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path.  Every day while we walk back, you’ve watered them.  For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.  Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”  Moral:  Each of us has our own unique flaws.  We’re all cracked pots.  But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.  You’ve just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

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What have I learned from going through the Step workshop?

 What a wonderful experience to work on myself.  To realize that I’m ok where I am.  I realize that I will always be growing.  I realize that no matter who or what changes in my life I will always have another challenge.  This gives me more strength to deal with my addicts.  This helps me to get to the peace and serenity that I’m striving for – One Day at a Time.  I was expecting serenity to be a final destination.   I now realize that it is a journey – a journey that begins with a Step.   The workshop truly is a gift to myself!

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LAY DOWN THE SHOVEL

Sometimes we are so focused on the addict and the never ending crisis’s he has brought into our lives we forget that  the reason we became involved in Nar-Anon is our own recovery.  If we dwell on our feelings of self-pity and continually panic over potential losses we will live our lives in a state of depression.  The key to our serenity is to focus on our Higher Power.  If we truly believe that with our Higher Power, all things are possible, we will avoid needless despair and preoccupation with our own problems.  Faith can move mountains, but we have to lay down the shovel first and stop trying to solve every problem ourselves.  Giving the shovel to our Higher Power will bring us peace.  We can only fix ourselves.

FEAR / DOUBT

 Hi, my name is Lauren and I am a member of the Nar-Anon Family Groups.  My addict, my daughter, lives with us in our home and is working her own path to recovery.  I am learning to work the program myself.  One Sunday, as we prepared to leave the house for church, she was running late.  Now my husband likes to be on time, so I get anxious when I see two different people moving in two different directions.  I made a comment to her about how she should maybe get up earlier so we would not have this problem, and then I went on to say that if I recalled this happened last week and maybe she needed to work on a time issue.  When I looked up, I saw flames moving up her face and steam rolling out of her ears.  I retreated to the bathroom and closed the door.  When I came out, she was in the kitchen and said she was not going and she was mad.  I told her that this was a trivial matter in the big picture and I didn’t want it to get out of proportion.  As we left the house I began to think …could she be so angry that she would  do something stupid?  Would she use it to get back at me?  As I sorted out what had happened, my first thought was that she might not be using but that old behavior has a way of rising to the surface.  Then I thought – Whose old behavior?  Mine was what had started things.  I apologized for getting into her business and making comments that were out of line.  The next day I was talking with a good friend and telling her about it, and I shared about how my old behavior had been right there.  Before I knew it I was running with it!  My friend just kept asking questions.  What were you afraid of?  What do you fear for her?  I said I was afraid I would cause her to use out of anger at me.  She said and then what would you be afraid of?  I said I don’t think I could go through what this last few years involved with her using and maybe I saw this behavior as being some small  indicator of an upcoming relapse. (Once I kick into that old behavior or projecting, I’m afraid of what could happen –I am in high gear!)  My friend said, so what could you do to stop her?   She just kept asking me about my fears.   While I thought I could see where she was going with this, I said, Oh, I see it now!  It’s about me being afraid.  She said NO, it isn’t, It is about your doubt in God, your Higher Power.  You don’t think

He can handle the situation, or any situation that is in front of you.  About my doubt that He loves my daughter as much as I do and that He has great plans for her and that He is  aware of what is going on in her life and mine and He does not need my help.  He just wants me to talk to Him about it and move on with my life.  Trust Him.  So, today I will do my best to stay off the fear train, because you know it just goes around in circles, and I will have faith in God.

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COUNTDOWN TO THE 12-STEPS

12.    I assumed control over the addict and began to arrange his life.

11.    Came to believe that the addict was insane and that only I could restore him to sanity.

10.     Made a decision that my will be done, come hell or high water.

9.         Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the addict.

8.        Admitted to anyone who would listen that the addict was insane.

7.    Were entirely ready to have God remove the addict.

6.    Arrogantly pointed out the shortcomings of the addict.

5.    Made a list of all persons he had harmed and lived in dread of ever seeing them again.

4.    Went out of my way to make amends for our addict.

3.    Continued to take his inventory and when he was wrong promptly berated him for it.

2.    Sought thru denial and manipulation to increase my control over his life; praying only that God would fix things my way.

1.    Having had a nervous breakdown as a result of these steps, admitted I was powerless over the addict and that my life had become unmanageable.

A Thought on Gratitude

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, and confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.